After college we supposedly join the real world. We come to realize that there is something wrong with drinking during the daytime, it’s frowned upon to be drunk in public at 5 pm in the afternoon. Not only is it frowned upon… it’s also an official fact that nothing good can come from day drinking….NOTHING! Yet, once a year in DC around this time there’s this little event/ bar crawl known as the Leprechaun Lap in midtown. This is just an excuse for a bunch of assholes to wear green, drink $2 Millers at shitty bars, and get shit faced during the day. Unfortunately my friends are assholes AND alcoholics.

This year I planned on skipping the whole drunken mess that is known as “The Lap”. Unfortunately that didn’t happen. I mean the same thing happens every single year and by this point I can do the whole thing blind folded. The first thing you should know is that even though this bar crawl takes place in DC… nobody that lives in DC actually goes, it’s straight bridge and tunnel thing. Even though you’re going to be drinking all day, someone always has the bright idea to pre game (at 10am). The first couple of hours at the bar crawl is cool. You’re drinking, catching up with old friends and everyone is acting like the mature adults we are. But along the way something happens when you realize that the beer is only $2 you start double fisting so you don’t have to wait in line at the bar. Then someone comes up with the crazy idea to start taking shots (at 3pm), because drinking beer just makes you want to pee. By the third bar the girls start getting more attractive,aggressive and extremely slutty. It’s very natural and even considered a time honored tradition to see one of your boys finger banging a chick on the dance floor at Rumors at 4pm.

Also at this point whatever number of people that started out in your group will be cut in half. By now you’re a little trashed and it’s also time for “The Lap” tradition of stopping by Camelot Strip club and getting kicked out within 10 minutes for being too drunk and yelling at the strippers. It’s also about the time where the engaged couple starts fighting and calls off the wedding for the third time this month. Another Lap tradition is to end up at Madhatters and watch attention whores dance on chairs.

Now if you’ve followed all the rules and you’re doing it right, by 7pm you should be completely shit faced and blacked out. The grown up thing to do is get in a cab and go home to sleep. This is what you do if you have any kind of self respect. IF you choose to continue drinking do so at one of the bars that participated in the bar crawl. This way you can make an ass out of yourself but everyone else there knows you’ve been drinking all day. What you do not do under any circumstance is go to your usual upscale lounge or bar to hangout with other friends. If so you will soon realize that you’re four times drunker than everyone else in the bar. This will explain why you’re talking at four times the volume but at the same time talking four times slower. The bender is not officially over until you have an awesome story, like getting arrested for attempting to take a dump in the trunk of your car. The only good thing about the whole day is that it only happens once a year. It will probably take you that long to get your dignity back.